Patrick Reusse: Twins' fire sale representative of when art becomes reality

MINNEAPOLIS — There are reliable reports that a prospective new owner of the Twins is about to be revealed. It has taken some digging but I’m now willing to state the Twins are about to wind up in the hands of Matilda Phelps.

That would be the young, belligerent and greedy granddaughter of Rachel Phelps, the owner of the Cleveland Indians in the 1989 film “Major League,” and the godmother of a right-sized payroll.

What will make this sequel different than a couple of others is that it will be a documentary, starting with the events of July 30-31, 2025, when the previous owners — the Pohlad family — put the Twins in a situation for future payroll commitments that would have thawed the cold heart of the aforementioned Rachel Phelps.

As with all documentaries, they can’t truly follow all the characters precisely from a scripted original. Example: Twins manager Rocco Baldelli is only 43 years old compared to Lou Brown, the crusty baseball veteran running Cleveland’s mythical 1989 ballclub.

Then again, with three rambunctious and very young kids running around when he’s at home, and now being forced to summon Cole Sands, Justin Topa, Michael Tonkin and Kody Funderburk as late-inning pitchers in a tight game rather than Jhoan Duran, Griffin Jax, Louie Varland and Brock Stewart — well, Rocco could offer a striking resemblance to Lou Brown by the end of August.

Another contrast is that it only cost the Twins one-third of what was owed him to get rid of Carlos Correa, their vastly overpaid, living off past glories, know-it-all infielder. And the frustrated Rachel Phelps — she couldn’t give away Roger Dorn.

It’s not often that reality can imitate art, but Correa and Roger Dorn are the same clubhouse character, right down to Correa’s suggestion it has been his goal to move to third base, Dorn’s position.

And on Thursday night, after dismembering their bullpen and giving away other big leaguers, these Twins did exactly what Rachel Phelps would have done in 1989: Put the replacements on a bus from Toledo to Cleveland.

OK, in 1989, the “Major League” replacements were arriving by rickety commercial conveyances, and the Twins sent a modern team bus to Toledo for a round trip, but the concept was the same:

Baldelli, calling out Lou Brown-style, to equipment manager Rod McCormick: “We got a bus load coming in from Toledo … get ready, Hot Rod."

There were seven players who arrived from Toledo and were active for Friday night’s game: pitchers Travis Adams, Pierson Ohl, Erasmo Ramírez and José Ureña, infielders Ryan Fitzgerald and Edouard Julien and utility player Austin Martin.

Only one of the 11 players acquired in the two days of trading was in attendance and available to play: Alan Roden, a lefty-hitting outfielder. The Twins need one of those like another hole in their bats.

At least Roden is only 25. The third-weirdest trade to be found in the deadline debris was trading reliever Stewart to the Dodgers for outfielder James Outman. He’s 28, he’s a lefty, he had some moments a few years back, but he has developed into an automatic out when allowed to have big league at-bats these days.

The runner-up on the weird list was sending away Varland, surely the closer-to-be once Duran and Jax were gone. Instead, he was traded for Roden, a so-so outfield addition, and Kendry Rojas, a left-handed pitcher who was sent to St. Paul rather than promoted to the Twins.

Varland is a give-me-the-ball starter transformed into a reliever. He was a record-breaking wrestler at North St. Paul. He’s a reliever with excellent pitches and a wrestler’s mentality — he’ll be saving games for Toronto by October.

He also was making MLB’s version of a pittance and has five more seasons before free agency.

The champion trade of the weird was a positive: The ability to get rid of Correa for $33 million rather than pay him $104 million over the next three full seasons.

Correa had my full admiration as a shortstop. He was in a tight contest with Greg Gagne as the best all-around fielder in the middle in the Twins’ 65-year history.

The rest of it, though. He was among several players to put together a rotten game as the Twins started to slide and assured us, through the media: He was going to talk with management about some of the things the team could do in preparation and execution.

I had an idea: Have the $35 million guy in the middle of the lineup stop hitting firm two-hoppers to the opposing shortstop with two on and one out four times a month.

And then as he’s walking out the door, Correa says he was getting ready to alert the Twins it was time for him to move to third base — as he’s about to turn 31 in September.

Move to third, which is now occupied for the Twins by a better overall player in Royce Lewis.

That was some talk right out of the Roger Dorn School of Arrogance — as well as Carlos ignoring the fact his only high-level value to this team was as a defensive shortstop.

Now that the deals are done, and the season is being played out, perhaps a frustrated Dan Gladden accidentally will utter a profanity into the radio microphone, and when chided by his partner will quote the great Harry Doyle from “Major League,” the original:

“Don’t worry, nobody’s listening anyway.”