Dear Kid Whisperer,

My son is 10 years old and about to turn 11. We have a great relationship with him, and besides some minor behavior issues (occasionally forgetting to clean up a mess, losing homework, getting mad at his younger sister over silly fights), we really don't have any major problems. People like to remind me to "just wait until you hit the teenage years!" and tell me how awful he's going to be when he gets to be a bit older. What can I do now, proactively, to make sure that his teenage years go as relatively smoothly as his first 10 years have been?

Answer: Yes, the hormones and challenges of teenager-dom will often cause former ex-pre-teens to experiment with negative behaviors that they never experimented with before.

Newly minted teens often have quickly changing brains that have thoughts like, “I now have a strange desire to sneak out of my window at night to go see about a girl.”

Or, a teen will have a natural and healthy desire to see, now that he is older, smarter and taller than his mother, whether his mother is still the boss of the house. “After all,” a teen brain might say to its owner, “I know everything, so why should I listen to anyone?”

Parents must give their kid a home filled with:

1. love

2. kindness

3. limits that are enforced

Most modern parents in 2025 are good at giving their kids No.s 1 and 2, and are abject failures at No. 3.

So, to lower the chances that your kid will turn into Charlie Sheen on his 13th birthday, I’m going to suggest something that will be easy and wonderful for you to do: Increase the amount of love and kindness that you give to your kid. Take the time to express, in detail, how much you love and appreciate him. Hugs! Way more hugs! Make sure he overhears you telling people how much you love and appreciate him. Make sure that many of these statements of appreciation are specific. It’s good to say, “I appreciate you so much!” And it’s also great to say

“I am so thankful that you…

…treat me so well.”

…listen when I ask you to do something and do those things right away.”

…are so kind to your sister.”

While I’m pretty sure you have already built a home filled with love and kindness (No. 1 and No. 2), it is possible that you are doing a terrible job of using limits on behavior that are enforced (No. 3). If so, those parents warning you about the hazards of your kid having a 13th birthday are giving you a helpful warning of dark days to come instead of a passive aggressive jab and simultaneous excuse for their own teens’ bad behavior.

Regardless, when your kid experiments with his new brain filled with new hormones, thoughts, and new ideas about what behaviors might work today that he’s never tried before, be ready to meet the challenge correctly. Here’s how I would do it.

Kid: My 13th birthday party was crap. Way to screw that up.

Kid Whisperer: I talk to kids who are being kind.

Kid: Whatever, stupid. This is my house now and I own it and you and I have a girlfriend and she’s moving in because I said so and you shall serve us and we have a date at midnight tonight and we’re getting tattoos that profess our love.

Kid Whisperer: Who do I talk to? (as I walk to another room) Yikes. This is a tough one. I’ll help you do some learning later.

Later, when I have calmed myself down after watching Kid start his experimentation with being terrible, I will explain that all his time outside the house, with the only exceptions being school and our place of worship, will now be spent practicing being part of a functional family with him being the kid and with me being the parent. He will be with me and the rest of the family, and I will let him know when he is using the correct behaviors of, for example, treating me well, treating his sister well, and listening to and doing what he is asked. Once I can see that he has become an expert at these types of things, he will be allowed to resume his normal life as a minor child on this earth with all the privileges and rights thereof (which are minimal because he’s 13).

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