Q. I need advice. When I met my ex-boyfriend, he said he was divorced, but I found out that he wasn’t divorced, only separated. He said he was going back for the kids; he has two. But he also wanted to continue to see me. I told him to make up his mind. He chose his wife. Now, there’s an even bigger problem. I found out I am pregnant with a little girl. He wanted me to get an abortion, but I didn’t want to. It’s too late now, anyway; I’m 6 months along. So, basically, I am going to have to co-parent with someone who is married to someone else. I don’t know what to do. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. I understand why you are feeling so alone, but I must call your attention to the fact that most people who co-parent after a breakup co-parent with someone who is married or living with someone else.

Your circumstances are a little more sordid in that he lied and then decided to stay with his wife, but the truth remains that after a breakup, most people re-couple. And that means that if you have joint custody, the child you are carrying will be living with her father and his new partner possibly half the time.

It may not be right away. Infants usually stay with their mother more at the beginning just because of things like breastfeeding, but your child’s time with her father will eventually increase. That means your child’s time with her father’s wife will also increase — if they stay together.

There’s a very real possibility that their marriage may not be able to withstand this level of betrayal. But, let’s say they do stay together. The truth remains that he’s still your child’s father. I have seen this in the courts many times — if he petitions for time with your daughter, no matter the circumstances of her conception, he will most likely get it.

A child deserves a relationship with both parents. Since dad also lives with someone else, let’s hope his wife will be gracious enough to understand that your daughter had nothing to do with this and do her best not to resent the child.

I understand that this sounds a little unconventional, but think about it: Would you rather have your daughter be required to live with someone who keeps her at arm’s length and treats her like a second-class citizen or someone who cares for her? Can you imagine having to go to a home where you are resented simply because you were born? Kids are resilient, but not that resilient.

What all this looks like in real life is three people doing their best to reconstruct a completely different relationship than any of them previously imagined. In a practical sense, that may include more interaction than is comfortable right now, but that will be your life once this child is born.

Knowing that the past cannot be changed, the best way to cope at this point is to keep your eyes on the present and concentrate on giving your daughter the best life you can. Ironically, that may include reaching out to two people who you never thought would be part of your life. But that’s putting your child first and that’s good ex-etiquette.

©2025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC