ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have joined a fitness club. The policy of the gym is that members do not talk on their phones in the workout area.

While there is very little of that, many people do talk with each other and text on their phones. The problem is they sit on the machines while doing so -- sometimes for five or 10 minutes.

Since many of these people are more muscular and intimidating than we are, is there a nonconfrontational way we can ask to use the equipment while they finish their conversation in another spot?

GENTLE READER: Shouldn't you be nonconfrontational even toward people who are not capable of beating you up?

Miss Manners is grateful for anything that stops people from becoming belligerent, which is what she gathers you mean by confrontational. But she hopes there is something besides fear of violence preventing people from treating others harshly -- possibly respect, the assumption of goodwill and the desire for a harmonious community.

The nonconfrontational approach in this case would be to say, "Excuse me, are you still using this machine?" Should they refuse to move, you should appeal to management -- but also politely.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every graduation season, my nonagenarian mother receives invitations to at least one graduation. (She has over 20 grandchildren.) Last year, she attended one college graduation, an hour's drive away, during which she was unable to see the graduates. Another graduation, further away, was missed with the parents' blessing.

Now a niece is finishing her specialty in medicine and dearly wants my mother to attend the ceremony. My niece is stationed 10 hours away by car.

My mother declined. Now my sister and my sister-in-law -- the graduate's mother -- are pressuring her to go. One of them told my mother that her spiritual adviser said that turning down an invitation was insulting and hurtful and should never be done.

Well, that's just nuts! I'm pretty annoyed.

Is my mother's refusal of this invitation a faux pas of exponential proportions, as has been suggested?

GENTLE READER: Imagine a world in which it was wrong to decline any invitation:

An acquaintance invites you to come over for a house-painting party. A rejected lover invites you on a trip. A teenager invites you to go skydiving.

"Just nuts," as you have already concluded.

So instead of brooding, Miss Manners recommends explaining gently to your relatives that while your mother is gratified that they are eager to have her, repeated urging -- though meant to be flattering -- is only making her feel bad that she is not physically up to going.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you fend off rude questions from co-workers such as, "That's a nice sweater. Is it new?" They often like to scrutinize every thread and stitch on my apparel as they ask this question.

While I don't mind compliments about my clothes, I do mind the judgment that follows these supposedly thoughtful remarks.

GENTLE READER: Unless this is accompanied by a leer, Miss Manners would consider it more tedious than intentionally rude. But you can easily dismiss it with, "Thank you. I'm glad you like it."

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN