ArcaMax

Want to make progress in your career? Make friends.

It's true.

Research from the friendly folks at Gallup shows that "employees without strong friendships often feel less fulfilled, collaborate less effectively and are more likely to leave." On the other hand, employees with strong friendships find that their relationships with office besties "elevate commitment, performance and personal well-being."

Isn't that nice?

Despite the benefits of having close friends, Gallup research reveals that work friends are rare.

"Only 20% of U.S. employees report having a best friend at work."

Or so I learned in "No One Has Friends Anymore. Why That's Bad News for Employers," a Mark C. Crowley article at fastcompany.com.

Considering how difficult it is to make friends at work, I realized what was needed was an app -- a Tinder, a Bumble, an OKCupid, but instead of matching people who want a long, meaningful relationship, or a hot 15 minutes, its sole purpose is to "staple" co-workers together.

If you'd like to have a workplace friendship -- or have a few spare million to invest in a can't-miss start-up -- Staple is for you. Still need a nudge? Read on, my friend. Read on.

No. 1: Why do you want work friends, anyway?

The basic reason to have a work friend is to use them.

Getting close to a co-worker gives you access to their deepest feelings and innermost dreams. Get past that garbage, and you could find out who in management they hate the most. Which leaves you with the not-so-tough decision of how long to wait before telling that manager how much your dear, personal best friend hates their guts. Of course, you will want to add how much you like and respect the manager in question.

Sound sneaky? Hey, what are friends for?

No. 2: How do you make a work friend?

Hate to give you bad news, but if you want to make friends with your co-workers, you have to actually talk to them.

Develop conversation starters to make it look like you really care what they think. Examples include "I hear they're installing a great new AI system in your department. I don't think the company would ever replace you, right?" Or "Is it true your team is getting transferred to the Saskatchewan office. Hope you like to ski."

If there's anything eating at your bestie, this convo will bring it out. Provide enough encouragement to whatever negative fears and feelings they have about the job, and, if you're lucky, they will quit.

No. 3: Are there downsides to work relationships?

While it is critical that you learn everything there is to know about your co-worker, it is even more important that they learn nothing about you. Giving up personal information leaves you vulnerable to the kind of low-down, sneaky tricks you want to use on them.

No. 4: How do you break up with a work friend?

Considering what a wonderful, interesting, charming, charismatic, brilliant person you are. It's not surprising that a co-worker can become obsessed with you.

I recommend the "It's not you, it's me" approach, in which you explain that after working closely with the HR department, you have lost your respect for humanity and are incapable of friendship.

Your lack of empathy will quickly spread to the upper reaches of the org chart, where you will be recognized for what you have become -- management material.

Considering all the work it takes to make meaningful connections on the job, it is obvious why no one has friends. Staple fixes that. Co-workers will fill out questionnaires, listing ambitions, hobbies and favorite techniques for fiddling with expense accounts. (Listing sexual orientation will be optional. In your case, it's just too confusing.)

Birthdates will be infinitely adjustable. Users can add or subtract 10 years with a single click, depending on whether the company is looking for youthful go-getters to change the culture or wizened veterans to calm everyone the heck down. Space for a brief job history is included. Don't forget to mention how you invented the Internet. Make it clear you're not looking for a quick hook-up but want a long-term relationship that will last until the next round of lay-offs.

Photographs enhance the profile, but in your case, be careful about subject matter. Glamour shots of you sleeping at your desk, or slipping out the back door, or dancing shirtless on a picnic table at the company's summer retreat, may say a little too much about who you are and why you should be avoided.

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Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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